It's Been A Long While...

As Salam Peepz,

First of all, I'd like to say, "Happy 2010" to everyone!! How's everyone doing in this new year? Mudah2an dimurahkan rezki dan dipermudahkan segale urusan olehNye... Insya'allah, amin... =)

A lot of things happened lately... New Year's Eve lunch celebration with my colleagues... My mini little family's "Moving Out Day" from Yishun to Sengkang... Asil & Asyura's first day in their new Child Care Centre... The day when I heard that one of my cousin went missing...

The part where I heard that my cousin went missing was quite a shock... I wasn't prepared for the news... Itupon aku dapat tahu when I overheard mom talking about it to someone over the phone... Baik per, sedare aku lari rumah & not a single human informed me... pfft...

My heart dropped the moment I knew that the news of her went missing was true... I straight away tried calling her mobile phone and got more panicky plus teary the moment I found out that the phone line was no longer in use... Seriously aku panic giler... Then there came the memory flashbacks... Then I started crying...

She's the cousin who had just lost her dad recently (My late Uncle, Wak Mi)... Then there's her mom who's pregnant with her youngest brother... And she has another brother who now have to be both the elder sister and son towards his pregnant mommy...

And the part when I read my other cousin's (Lala) recent blog entry about her mom (Aunt Mama Yang) who dreamt of my late Wak Mi in her sleep was already making tears running down my cheek... ='( And now this...? Anak diye lak went missing... I feel like I'm not being a better cousin to her... I feel guilty for not giving my cousin enough advise for all the things that she went thru... I feel at fault for not giving her more advise and be more closer to her... Felt really really bad and sad...

To my Cousin Sutinah (I know you are somewhere out there reading my blog): Kak, kau balek la Kak... Kitorang sume sayang & risau kan kakak... Kenape Kakak tak call or sms Kak Lily bile ade problem... Yang kat hospital bile Nenek saket, sape kau ajak berbual pasal problem kau? Aku & Kak Lala kan? Yang bile Ayah kau meninggal & you couldn't take the pain that you went thru with your family & all, sape kau ajak berbual? Aku & Kak Lala jugak kan... ? Kenape kau tak nak cari kitorang... We can sit, talk & listen to your problems... Sekurang2 nye you can talk to Kak Lala coz I know you are more closer to Kak Lala than me... You shouldn't be doing what you did Kak coz your late Ayah for sure would disapproves of it... Ayah pasti sedih Kak kau buat macam ni... I know you have your fair share of family problems & siblings rivalry... Aku pon... Kak Lala pon... Everyone of us have our fair share of crap... Please Kak, I'm beggin you... Balek la Kak... Kesian kan adek2 kau... Kesian kan arwah Ayah... Kesian kan Ibu... Ibu really needs your emotional and physical support right now... Your unborn brother will come out soon Kak... Please la Kak... Come back... Sume orang risau pasal kau Kak... Remember this, walaumacamane siak you think they are, they are still your family... They are your blood... Darah dageng kau... Kau pon tahu kan, what I've been thru during my teenage years... I told you everything... One thing I know, WE ALL LOVE & CARE FOR YOU... There are some of us who might seemed angry or even disappointed for the actions that you took... But Kak, believe me... Kitorang sume sayangkan kau Kak... Please come back...

And to Cousin Sutinah's boyfriend: I know who you are & my gut feeling tells me that my cousin is with you all this while eversince she went missing... You are so not a gentleman... Kau tak gentle ah... You claim that you kept the promise that you made between you & my late Wak Mi & that is to take good care of Sutinah for him... Now, WHERE IS YOUR PROMISE? KAU BIARKAN ADEK SEDARE AKU KLUA RUMA? Kau ade terfiker tak untok bawak diye balek...? Imagine this, if Sutinah happens to be your sister OR your cousin OR your daughter, how would you feel? Ape perasaan kau? Yes, from what I heard, Sutinah said that you're a good guy... You taught her a lot of good things and even gave her good advise... But the part when my cousin decided to go missing all of a sudden? Halo? I didn't get you there? Where is your piece of advice and where is the promise you kept towards my late uncle? Please think la eh... Refresh your memory a bit can?

And when my mini little family had made a rush decision to move out from Yishun to Sengkang was like a "terjon botol" kind of thing... We really to need to get out from Yishun and stay in a new place... This was where it tests me both physically & emotionally... Bangon pagi2 anta budak2 pegi Child Care naik lori with the help of Bro in-law, Yus...

We have our own reasons for moving out... We couldn't stand the gossips, the hypocrisies & lies in Yishun... They were all FAKES...

Yes, the change seems so sudden... But we had no other choice... I know there are some family members who disagree about this... They can say whatever crap they want about me & my hubby... They don't know us really... Jangan nak pandai2 letak hukum kat se2orang sebab korang bukan Allah Ta'ala... You guys couldn't even read our hearts nor our minds...

Say what you people wanna say... At least we know that all these while you guys have been faking craps infront of us... We stay in Sengkang, so what? Kitorang susah ade korang tolong? Ade korang amek tahu? Please la eh... Tompang senang, yes... Tapi bile mintak tolong, foooooh...!! Mengire dan mengate lagi ade...

One more thing... YOU said to my hubby before we left Yishun that aku ni hati busok & that one day if I came back crawling to YOU, the person that YOU'll look for would definitely be my hubby... Jahat sangat pemikiran korang eh...

The part where you guys were so looking forward that "something" would happen in our marriage... It really pisses me off... Instead of doakan yang terbaik, korang mengharapkan perkare burok akan berlaku... Ni yang korang cakap korang ni ade care punye orang? Baik per... Tergamak korang sangke burok macam tu eh... Hati sape yang busok ni?

And one more thing, kalau hati aku ni BUSOK sepertimane yang korang sangke kan, well let me briefly sum up a few things here...

Kalau hati aku ni busok, I won't:

- Sacrificed my teenage life for the sake of the family...
- Worked at a young age trying to help the family out financially when I should've furthered my studies & pursued my dream instead......
- Brought my brothers out even when I went out on dates & outings...
- Bought treats, gifts & stuffs for the family when I earned extra income...
- Have protected my mom & brothers when they were whacked up like dogs with bruises & blood on their faces!!

These are just to mention a few...

And kalau hati aku ni BUSOK, I would've just abandoned my mom & my siblings with all the FREAKING STRESS that I went thru as the eldest sibling in the family trying to cope with my studies and everything, when YOU as a DAD abandoned YOUR responsibilities as a DAD... Leaving the DAD responsibilities to my mom and the MOM responsibilities to ME!!

So DAD, "Where were you when you were truly needed? Where were you when you left mom & your children, leaving us to fend for ourselves...? Seriously, I'm lacking of DADDY's love here... And even eversince the arrival of both of my brothers to this world & the part where both YOU & MOM had showed your favouritism side towards sons more than daughter until NOW, I still CARE for the family... Yet, this is what I got? BUSOK HATI? Syukor Alhamdulillah... Ni balasan yang aku dapat... Syukor Alhamdulillah..."

And the part when you said that tahap aku "blom sampai"... Please la eh... What makes you think that your tahap da sampai? Allah tells you that your "tahap" da sampai is it? Please la eh... Who are you or should I say who are we to judge others & ourselves this way... Kite manusia, same2 buat kesilapan... Nobody is perfect...

And the part when you said something like suami aku rajin solat tapi akhlak tak ade... Fooooh!! This part lagi best... The part when you made your own judgement thinking that my hubby solely depends on my working income to survive our mini little family with, was so not true!! Sorry la eh... At least laki aku bukan jenis kedekot, kemot, malas, kaki lepak & panas baran... Alhamdulillah, my hubby is a responsible man & Insya'allah, I always pray that he stays that way (Amin)... Say whatever you guys wanna say, yes? Puaskanlah hati korang... And like my hubby always says, " Suatu hari di akhirat, baru sume orang tahu..."

The part where both of my kids have to go Child Care everyday was something sad... No more "Nenek" to take care of them coz there wasn't any sincerity as it was all about the money & being calculative... pffft... If only they knew what we both parents went thru...

OK, aku rase crite aku ni macam the very the panjang lebar... Makin crite makin EMO... So, that's it for today's entry...

A reminder to some... This blog is about my life, my thoughts & my say... Kalau ade diluar sane tu yang tak berkenan with what is written in here & kalau korang rase korang nak step kecoh2 then be it... Sekurang2 nye aku tak mengumpat & mengate from one mouth to another... I throw everything in this blog... And I feel much more better to vent out my feelings this way rather than to gossip around & menambahkan dose...

And if you think that by reading this entry you could sense that I'm pissed, YES!! I am so freakingly pissed!! Pissed, angry, sad & disappointed...